Saturday, April 17, 2010
Zen Master Teaching #74
Zen Master Teaching #74: Think. One puts down words to remind for a reason; they are lessons to be constantly remembered. When one refuses to read own wisdom, one's mental state becomes akin to that of rabbit trapped by fox in winter.
Zen Master Teaching #73
Zen Master Teaching #73: Choose fights wisely. Most foolish to grapple with older brother when one is malnourished. Body will react like fluid filled sack waiting to be popped when punch lands on chin.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Day 15
The silence here is driving me crazy.
In these caves, the only real sound other than the passing of the guards is the slow, steady drip of water off the ceilings and into the floor. There are three spots in my cell where it drips, two by the door and one close my head as I sleep. Maybe that is why the Chinese prefer water torture. The slow steady rhythm gets on your nerves...
At first you don't even notice it. You just go on thinking. All that comes to my mind are old songs I remember from my last trip on leave. Couple of really good ones that I listened to often. Some of the new ones. Just snippets though. I can't remember all the lyrics, just the beat and the music. Funny that songs are what's on my mind. I should be thinking about how to escape or something but at the moment I can't.
But then it's back to that incessant drip. Just over and over and over again. The cave/cell I am in is only about 15 feet long by about 10 feet wide. It isn't a rectangle, more of an ellipse or circle. I have walked around the entire thing too many times to count. Nothing. Just sheer stone.
There are little cubbyholes in the walls. I don't know if they are natural or if they are bored out manually. Kind of weird, like a crypt in a movie or something. They made sure to remove everything before they tossed me in here. Still dripping. It's an offset pattern, too. The first two by the door go one after another, then about two seconds later the one by my head. Then a pause of about five seconds. Then repeat. I'll just try to ignore it.
Big Guy didn't come by my cell today. Instead, the guy with the long beard came around about midday and just stared at me for a while. Didn't say anything. He just sat there. Didn't really look hostile, either. More like he was contemplating me, taking stock. I don't know how long he watched me, but after I just stared back he nodded once and walked away. Maybe he is sizing me up, wondering if I will try to escape.
Drip drip, pause drip. Damn it, that's annoying. Reminds me of those stupid commercial jingles you can't get out of your head for local convenience stores or auto dealerships.
Wick on the lamp candle is dwindling. Hopefully they replace it.
In these caves, the only real sound other than the passing of the guards is the slow, steady drip of water off the ceilings and into the floor. There are three spots in my cell where it drips, two by the door and one close my head as I sleep. Maybe that is why the Chinese prefer water torture. The slow steady rhythm gets on your nerves...
At first you don't even notice it. You just go on thinking. All that comes to my mind are old songs I remember from my last trip on leave. Couple of really good ones that I listened to often. Some of the new ones. Just snippets though. I can't remember all the lyrics, just the beat and the music. Funny that songs are what's on my mind. I should be thinking about how to escape or something but at the moment I can't.
But then it's back to that incessant drip. Just over and over and over again. The cave/cell I am in is only about 15 feet long by about 10 feet wide. It isn't a rectangle, more of an ellipse or circle. I have walked around the entire thing too many times to count. Nothing. Just sheer stone.
There are little cubbyholes in the walls. I don't know if they are natural or if they are bored out manually. Kind of weird, like a crypt in a movie or something. They made sure to remove everything before they tossed me in here. Still dripping. It's an offset pattern, too. The first two by the door go one after another, then about two seconds later the one by my head. Then a pause of about five seconds. Then repeat. I'll just try to ignore it.
Big Guy didn't come by my cell today. Instead, the guy with the long beard came around about midday and just stared at me for a while. Didn't say anything. He just sat there. Didn't really look hostile, either. More like he was contemplating me, taking stock. I don't know how long he watched me, but after I just stared back he nodded once and walked away. Maybe he is sizing me up, wondering if I will try to escape.
Drip drip, pause drip. Damn it, that's annoying. Reminds me of those stupid commercial jingles you can't get out of your head for local convenience stores or auto dealerships.
Wick on the lamp candle is dwindling. Hopefully they replace it.
Zen Master Teaching #72
Zen Master Teaching #72: Prudence. If one is to have days filled with peace, one must plan carefully. Imbibing large amounts of Gatorade shortly before bedtime is no way to achieve restful slumber.
Day 14
They surprised me. I didn't realize it until they were already on top of me. The big guy, the one who called me a "kafir" was the one leading the charge. Socks full of batteries, couple of crowbars, and bare fists. Nothing I could really do. They beat me unconscious.
Didn't wake up for a day. When I did, woke up in my own blood. They didn't even clean it up. So I banged on the bars until they let me shower. I may be a prisoner, but I'll be damned if I get an infection. And there is obviously a reason they are keeping me alive. Otherwise, Big Guy would have ended it yesterday.
Amazed they had a shower in this place, but they do. Just a cave with a faucet. They blindfolded me when they moved me around, but it took about five minutes to get there. Means this place isn't tiny.
Spent two days recovering. They brought the journal but... I didn't feel like writing. Too many things on my mind. Right now, just trying to hold it together.
Big Guy makes it a point to rattle my bars every time he walks by. I gave him a scar when he came to my cell. Got ahold of one of the crowbars and hit his face. His right eye will sag for a while now. I think he is pretty high up on the food chain but not the highest. He tried to open my cell yesterday but was stopped by a short guy with a long beard. Big Guy didn't like it at all.
On the ride over to the Sandbox, one of my sergeants told me to keep track of everything going on if I were to ever get captured. I've been recording every little thing but I don't know if it will help me. Who knows... maybe I'll find a loophole in a guard schedule or something.
Maybe I won't. For now... I need sleep.
Didn't wake up for a day. When I did, woke up in my own blood. They didn't even clean it up. So I banged on the bars until they let me shower. I may be a prisoner, but I'll be damned if I get an infection. And there is obviously a reason they are keeping me alive. Otherwise, Big Guy would have ended it yesterday.
Amazed they had a shower in this place, but they do. Just a cave with a faucet. They blindfolded me when they moved me around, but it took about five minutes to get there. Means this place isn't tiny.
Spent two days recovering. They brought the journal but... I didn't feel like writing. Too many things on my mind. Right now, just trying to hold it together.
Big Guy makes it a point to rattle my bars every time he walks by. I gave him a scar when he came to my cell. Got ahold of one of the crowbars and hit his face. His right eye will sag for a while now. I think he is pretty high up on the food chain but not the highest. He tried to open my cell yesterday but was stopped by a short guy with a long beard. Big Guy didn't like it at all.
On the ride over to the Sandbox, one of my sergeants told me to keep track of everything going on if I were to ever get captured. I've been recording every little thing but I don't know if it will help me. Who knows... maybe I'll find a loophole in a guard schedule or something.
Maybe I won't. For now... I need sleep.
Soldiers
Tense, warm bodies all in a row
Waiting for orders that probably won't show
Chattering, laughing, but having no fun
Wishing for long days to be done
The dirt and the grime and the grit and the muck
Free men and women who just have no luck
Spending their time in dark holes and rooms
Wasting cold Mondays breathing vehicle fumes
This Army life sometimes isn't your style
But hey, suck it up, you'll be in for a while.
Waiting for orders that probably won't show
Chattering, laughing, but having no fun
Wishing for long days to be done
The dirt and the grime and the grit and the muck
Free men and women who just have no luck
Spending their time in dark holes and rooms
Wasting cold Mondays breathing vehicle fumes
This Army life sometimes isn't your style
But hey, suck it up, you'll be in for a while.
Day 10
Few new things today. Pretty much the same, but noticed something unusual.
One of the guards doesn't like me very much. Haven't caught his name yet. He's a big, burly, ugly specimen. Walks around with a really skinny teenager on the second shift. Usually when the guards walk by, all they do is spit on the ground and walk on. This guy came up to the bars with a big smile on his face, pointed his finger at me like he had a pistol and said "Kafir." Don't know exactly what it means, but it sounds bad. Felt like he was marking me as a target, the way a bully would in a fight with a elementary kid in the schoolyard.
I really don't want to have to kill him. It would cause problems for me, and probably get my throat slit afterwards. But the look in this guy's eyes... it was no damn good. I won't be be sleeping for a while, just in case he decides it is better for him to sneak in my cell at night.
It doesn't matter, I guess. Whether or not they come at me with one man or twenty, I will still take as many as I can. Would liven up the life here if he did start a fight. In fact, I am aching for one ever since they brought me here. Can't stand these cramped, damp stone walls, that annoying smell of hay in my nose every second of every day.
Heard a noise, too. It was right about midday, I think. My cell was as bright as it gets and I was laying on my cot thinking about basic when I heard an explosion. Not near. Actually, it could be near considering the amount of bedrock surrounding me. It sounded like a single explosion, maybe an artillery shell. But it wasn't expected because the guards started shouting and double-timed it away from their patrols. Who knows, maybe it was an accident, some idiot blowing himself up on an IED or landmine.
Cold in here. The meals are still disgusting but edible. I wish I had some music or something. The only thing around here is the call to prayer five times a day. Guards will be here in a few to take my pen and lamp away.
One of the guards doesn't like me very much. Haven't caught his name yet. He's a big, burly, ugly specimen. Walks around with a really skinny teenager on the second shift. Usually when the guards walk by, all they do is spit on the ground and walk on. This guy came up to the bars with a big smile on his face, pointed his finger at me like he had a pistol and said "Kafir." Don't know exactly what it means, but it sounds bad. Felt like he was marking me as a target, the way a bully would in a fight with a elementary kid in the schoolyard.
I really don't want to have to kill him. It would cause problems for me, and probably get my throat slit afterwards. But the look in this guy's eyes... it was no damn good. I won't be be sleeping for a while, just in case he decides it is better for him to sneak in my cell at night.
It doesn't matter, I guess. Whether or not they come at me with one man or twenty, I will still take as many as I can. Would liven up the life here if he did start a fight. In fact, I am aching for one ever since they brought me here. Can't stand these cramped, damp stone walls, that annoying smell of hay in my nose every second of every day.
Heard a noise, too. It was right about midday, I think. My cell was as bright as it gets and I was laying on my cot thinking about basic when I heard an explosion. Not near. Actually, it could be near considering the amount of bedrock surrounding me. It sounded like a single explosion, maybe an artillery shell. But it wasn't expected because the guards started shouting and double-timed it away from their patrols. Who knows, maybe it was an accident, some idiot blowing himself up on an IED or landmine.
Cold in here. The meals are still disgusting but edible. I wish I had some music or something. The only thing around here is the call to prayer five times a day. Guards will be here in a few to take my pen and lamp away.
Day 9
I wish they had let me keep a watch or something. Not knowing the time of day is maddening. All I can tell is when the sun rises and when it sets. I can't tell if it is minutes passing or hours, just days. This cave is dark and stale. Hay on the floor makes for a nice mat to sleep on, honestly better than some nights I have spent in the guard towers on FOB. The passage that runs in front of my cell is only lit when they come down this way, which they do about eight times a day. Flashlights and AK-47s and walkie talkies. Can't understand anything on the comms, though.
I should have listened to Marie and learned Arabic or Pashtu or something. Thought I wouldn't have time before I got over here. Now all I have is time.
They came in again to question me. This time, they didn't beat me. Figure they realize after the hell they put me through when I was captured, pain was not going to help. They just talked. Mostly trying to find out about me. Asking me about my family, my friends, my reason for being over here. They were being kind. Two of them: One, a short, stocky guy who introduced himself as Hamid. He did most of the talking. Smiled a lot too, and honestly not a bad guy from his demeanor. The other kind of stood in back and watched me. He called himself Jalil, and didn't say anything other than hello and goodbye.
I feel like the kindness is a ploy. When I look into these guy's eyes, I don't see sympathy. I see men trying to get information. Selling cars back at home before Ranger school taught me how to read people. And Hamid reads like a desperate dealer trying to get rid of a beat up Chevy Geo. Jalil just looks like... a bouncer at a night club. Creepy.
I just sat there and stared at them. When they asked me why I wasn't answering, I gave them the same thing as before: name, rank, and serial. I don't trust these bastards. Just literate and articulate terrorists, nothing more. We only talked for a little while, then they left. Hamid did me a kindness, gave me something to read: the Qur'an. It may be interesting, but right now I don't care. Still in too much pain to focus on anything. Still trapped in this hellhole. I know it's futile, but every time they open that door I want to rush the guardsa and go hand-to-hand. But I can't. I can't even move. I can only drag myself to get food and water at the door. They have to bring the lamp and pencil to me.
Should have watched my sector.
I should have listened to Marie and learned Arabic or Pashtu or something. Thought I wouldn't have time before I got over here. Now all I have is time.
They came in again to question me. This time, they didn't beat me. Figure they realize after the hell they put me through when I was captured, pain was not going to help. They just talked. Mostly trying to find out about me. Asking me about my family, my friends, my reason for being over here. They were being kind. Two of them: One, a short, stocky guy who introduced himself as Hamid. He did most of the talking. Smiled a lot too, and honestly not a bad guy from his demeanor. The other kind of stood in back and watched me. He called himself Jalil, and didn't say anything other than hello and goodbye.
I feel like the kindness is a ploy. When I look into these guy's eyes, I don't see sympathy. I see men trying to get information. Selling cars back at home before Ranger school taught me how to read people. And Hamid reads like a desperate dealer trying to get rid of a beat up Chevy Geo. Jalil just looks like... a bouncer at a night club. Creepy.
I just sat there and stared at them. When they asked me why I wasn't answering, I gave them the same thing as before: name, rank, and serial. I don't trust these bastards. Just literate and articulate terrorists, nothing more. We only talked for a little while, then they left. Hamid did me a kindness, gave me something to read: the Qur'an. It may be interesting, but right now I don't care. Still in too much pain to focus on anything. Still trapped in this hellhole. I know it's futile, but every time they open that door I want to rush the guardsa and go hand-to-hand. But I can't. I can't even move. I can only drag myself to get food and water at the door. They have to bring the lamp and pencil to me.
Should have watched my sector.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
