Day 8

Day 8
Daniels, Ezekiel; SPC US Army; 078-05-1120

I have been here over a week and they now decided to give me a small lamp, a journal, and a pencil. They told me “Keep yourself busy.” I figure they want to make sure I don’t try to kill myself by going insane. Don’t know why. They are just going to do it for me.

Regardless, I am going to write to leave this as a record to anyone who finds it, because I doubt I will make it out alive. My patrol got hit hard by an IED going through some podunk part of Helamand province, along one of the smaller MSRs. Captain Trujillo called it out on the radio, but I don’t remember what he said. Miggs and Santo were in lead vehicle with me and him, but they are probably dead by now.  It was a big blast, hit us hard on the driver’s side. Must have been one of those new ones with armor piercing rounds, because the armor on the 1114 peeled away like it was nothing. I still can’t wrap my head around it. One minute, Miggs is singing along to “Hotel California”, the next we are in the middle of Satan’s playground. They must have had a daisy chain, because next thing I knew the radio lit up and everyone in convoy was screaming and shouting directions. But, by that time, I could hear the small arms fire. I couldn’t see anyone because the blast knocked my head against the roof when the vehicle rolled over. Everything was blurry. Next thing I know, I am being drug out of the door, and I hear Captain yell out our grid, but then shots fired and I see nothing but an AK-47 butt stock.

I still don’t know why they kept me alive.

The first couple days were bad. They beat me pretty hard. Had me zip tied to a chair in some dark little cave. At first they just beat me with fists but then started on me with socks full of batteries. Not much, but enough to cause me to black out a couple times. Felt like a big fireball of pain all over. They gave me just enough time to recover, then went back to pulping me. They kept asking about the location of “the unit”. I told them I didn’t know. Haha, actually all I did was give them name, rank, and serial. I wouldn’t breach my code. Not for these animals.

They left me bloody in that cave for a while. I don’t know how long, probably a day or two. All I can remember is the pain. Next thing I know, a doctor is cleaning me up. Stitches to my face. Stitches along my back. Some cold packs on my sides and forehead. I saw them using thermometers and some other equipment... didn’t think they had those here out in the desert. Maybe they aren’t complete barbarians.

I am now in a small cell, fashioned out of an alcove in a cave. There is a small hole in the ceiling. I can tell when it’s daylight and when its dark. The guards come around every so often. They give me food and water. I remember Johnstone, one of our intel guys attached to our convoy, telling me how these terrorists don’t abide by the Geneva Conventions, but so far I would say the treatment is about what I would expect. Just enough to keep me alive. They told me the date when they threw me in here, as a kindness I guess. Only reason I know how long I have been here.

For now, my only task is to stay alive from day to day, hope for someone to come looking. Took me a hell of a lot of energy to write this. Getting dark now. Any second they will come to take the lamp and the pencil. They will let me keep the journal. All I can think of is Marie and Abigail.

Undertow

At first, the sublime taste 

Of waves of affection kiss me

Glimmering, your waves

Show mesmerizing beauty.

I play along, swim to and fro,

Nothing felt this fresh before

Not ever desiring to go.

And leave your waters for the shore.

After a time, I get lightheaded

Dizzy, spinning, waterlogged.

Some people say this part is dreaded

I know now it is just a short fog.

It sits upon your ocean

Perched, a gull on the mast

Only with intense devotion

Can one through this whirlpool pass.

Some consider me crazy

They say these tides just will not flow.

They do not consider that just maybe

It’s better to be caught in the undertow. 

Zion

In this life, very few things are certain. It is often said only two things are: death and taxes. The truth in this statement is very evident. Only the things in life which are feared and hated are irrevocably true. And why should they not be? We see so much pain and discomfort. We are forced into situations we abhor and cannot escape. We live lives full of misery, loneliness, and torment. Are we not comfortable with it? Think about it. Life is just one long protracted series of foolish events, and a person must develop a thick carapace in order to deal with the horror. We have to look at our lives daily and say "Well, this is just the way it is."

I wish I could tell you this is unnecessary. But alas, I cannot. Because I have come to accept the inevitability myself. I have come to realize that the things in life which I most want are things which are not available to me at this precise instant. I have become aware of things which throw my life into a kaleidoscope of suffering and torture.

However... in the back of my mind, there remains a constant thought. It is, perhaps, the only reason I have not gone completely insane. Every time I face death, every time I come upon tragedy, and every time I feel agony, I remember one single thing.

There is a better possibility. There is hope. The hope is scarce, I grant you. But there is hope.

There is hope for all of us to change our situations and to be better. The key thing here to realize is the difference in mindset. Instead of worrying about the situation, hoping it will change, wanting it to change, we must accept what it is. Then from there we can work to change it. We can climb up out of the depths of the ocean and reach for the stars.

Christ and many others spoke of a place called Zion. It is what the Socialists have called Utopia, but what Christ taught was extremely different. Whether you believe he was divine or not, he still had a good message: we are all brethren.

Think of that simple statement. Every person you have ever met, no matter who they are or what they believe, is like your brother or your sister or your father or your mother. What would you do if that were the case? Would we be cruel to one another? Would we discriminate and cause pain and profit off of others? No. We would accept the differences in opinion and love each other, realizing there is more to life than the simple bickering of individuals. We would accept life and attempt to live in harmony.

There is a key word here I want you to take notice of: attempt. It is not, as the Utopians would have you believe, something truly attainable in the sense of it being perfect. Ayn Rand in Anthem disproved socialism and collectivism. However, if we all at least tried to do the right thing (and punished those who did wrong, because that is the other half of the puzzle), we would get closer to being right. Societies are not perfect. By no means are they simplistic. We are a complex species, full of differing thoughts and differing ideas. We have so many options open to us.

However, as of late I feel like we have been making the wrong choices. And that is understandable, considering we are an imperfect people. But I think what we all need to do is stop and take a moment to think. Think about what we are doing and where we are. Think about where we wish to progress to in this life. Existence is not something to be wasted, but cherished. Should we take for granted all we are given? Should we live our lives with hatred and negative emotions? I say we should not. I certainly agree there are cases where force, justice, and a cold demeanor are necessary. But that is on a case by case basis.

As one man said: "Zion only works if I love you and you love me, even if we disagree." Sounds kind of like Barney, doesn't it? But then, we are children in the eyes of someone wiser, no? And when have you ever seen a group of good children not get along? Fight, bicker, play around, maybe. But hurt each other and cause real pain? No. Good children learn, grow, find the good things in life. I think the world would be a lot better if we all thought a little more about how our actions affect others and less how we feel about the negativity. That only goes to a certain point (because I do not believe the principle of altruism, which is another word for selflessness, can be possible to achieve on a total basis in an individualistic society, nor should it be possible) and sometimes we also have to live a lie in life in order to get what we want... but the truth is I think we all need to step back and look. We are not inherently a good people. We are products of our genetics and of our environment. We are beings on a tiny rock in the middle of a vast galaxy. We are all in this together. We may fight from time to time. We may see the presence of evil, and even commit atrocities. However, we as a society should be focused on something more. We should not get caught up in the daily life... we should realize what we cannot change, but work to change that which we can alter. That, I think, would be something like Zion.

Zen Master Teaching #71

Zen Master Teaching #71: Not often does the Zen Master post a teaching which is set above the rest. But today, the Zen Master has this to say: Only when one has absolutely nothing to lose can one gain everything.

Good Point.

Something to ponder:




-A Ponzi Scheme is where you collect money over a long span of time as an investment with the supposition that the money will be paid back with a high return at some point in the future.... but instead, you squander it, using it for your own purposes. An important factor to remember is that this crime is not focused on what you did with the money (whether your intentions were good or not), But the fact that you did something that resulted in your inability to make good on your promise to repay the investor, with their due interest.



-Bernard Madoff was recently incarcerated for defrauding investors out of 65 Billion dollars. He was scentenced to 150 years in prison ( he is 71 years old ).



-The United States Government has been collecting Social Security since 1935. That is, congress passed a law that year which made it LEGAL for them to take a portion of everyones earned income, with the promise that it would be put into a "safe place", and that, after reaching a certain age, you would have access to it via a monthly check.



-As a result of our debt and deficits, Social Security is now broke.



Bernard Madoff was penalized with 150 years in Prison for squandering 65 billion dollars. He will die in captivity. I wonder...Will the people who have squandered literally trillions of dollars, be held accountable for their actions?



It seems that the difference lies in the fact that if you are a private citzen, and you break the law, you go to prison. But if you are a lawmaker, you are able to write the laws in such a way that provides you with a degree of exemption from any accountability after breaking those laws.

Zen Master Teaching #70

Zen Master Teaching #70: Experimentation with food is like trying to balance wide feet on bamboo bridge. One must be very cautious so as not to have disastrous consequences. Microwaving ice cream for long period of time will result in unedible product.

Today.

A subject was suggested to me a week or two ago. And I have been contemplating it every day. I attempted to write about it... but I simply couldn't find the words.

Until today.

The question is this: what is happiness? It seems so simple to so many. Many people answer the question of how to be happy in this life by a few methods.

One: material gain. Money, clothes, cars, interpersonal relationships. If I have my motorcycle, my iPod, my nice apartment with my nice suits with my nice girlfriends/boyfriends that I bring over, I am set. I have what I "want" in this world. I have things which are pleasing to the eye and to the senses. I have moments in my life where I can look around and the adrenaline rushes through my system and I think... This is it. This is what I want. Because so much has happened to me that I just want to replace it. Or I have been told this is what I should have, therefore I should get it. Or one of a thousand other motivations. Regardless, it all comes back to the present. What do I have, what tangible things do I possess that define me?

Two: an ideal. Some people go the extreme opposite way. They forget about the material things in a way. Yes, they are important to have. But some devote themselves to a belief. Some look at life and say "This mental ground I am on... this is what defines me." This is where I am in life. I have goals. I want to help cure cancer, want to research animals, want to open a bakery, want to run for president. I want to make change in this world. Because i see so much change. I see so much fluctuation and diversity... should I not be part of it? An example is poets. There have been poets and artists and writers which have lived in absolute poverty, but so strongly believed what they believed that they continued to write. One I know even gambled away all of his money so he was forced to write, forced to show the world what he believed, because he had such a close touch with death that he believed only through losing everything do we find what we have. So, for some people, it is to find the meaning of the things in life. It is to look at life, religions, ideals, beliefs, and choose. What do I believe personally that defines me?

Three: this is an interesting one. Some people... believe they are simply tools. Some believe there are higher forces at work which they cannot stop and should not, so the only thing they can do is to live what they believe is right and wait for whatever will happen to happen. Ask an LDS member about this philosophy. There are those who believe there is a plan. That plan is above what we can ever possibly know in this life. And therefore, the only thing to do is to enjoy life. This can be taken to either extreme... ask Neitzsche about that one. Because what is fun but a point of view? To some, living righteously is the right answer. To others, sadism and pain and cruelty to others are what makes the world go around. So, for some, life is simply about the moment. What can I do in life to make me happy?

There are more areas, I am sure. I am not the all knowing. Heck... I am only 20. But in my experience, I find that these three major methods are how people live and exist. These are the ways they make themselves happy. And who is to say who is right and who is wrong? I will tell you right now: a very large part of my belief system lies with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. There is a love and compassion with those people that I had never felt before in my life. There is an acceptance of diverse opinion while still remaining under the banner. And there is the belief that Jesus Christ died for our sins, so that we may live. And that falls under a large part of what I believe.

But who is to say I am right? No one. No one can say that this thing in life should make someone happy. What do they know about it? Have they seen what I have? Do they know what I know? Can they blame me for my vices when I am imperfect myself? I cannot pass judgement upon someone else because of what I believe. How is that right in any way? How does that breed happiness?

And at the same time... there are some things in this life that are just wrong, aren't there? Murder, rape, greed, corruption... these things are simply inefficient, wrong, and cruel. So we must stamp them out. Regardless of what someone may believe of them, the simple fact is that they cause harm. How can those things make people happy? Yet they inevitably do. For whatever reason, there is evil in this world. And all evil does not believe it is evil... some of it simply doesn't know any better.

So many conundrums, so many complications, so many contradictions. What is the right answer? How on earth do we find happiness? What is happiness? Why should we even seek it in this life?

Yet... there is an answer.

On this long road I have traversed,
I stopped by a stream and knelt down.
As the songs of the birds played,
I came up with some verse,
and looked all around me.
And suddenly the sun shone
Down upon the water. I stared
At the beauty of the reflection
And saw something new
That I may never have found
Had it not been for those clouds
Parting above me. Only the light
Has shown me the splendor
Of the meaning of life.

Ladies and gentleman, I submit to you that the only way we find happiness in this life is to take a look at who we are. Self discovery is the only true path. If you want material gain, then that is what you want. If you want to attach yourself to an ideal, then that is what defines you. If you you believe in living life for someone or something else, living for the moment, then that may be what suits you. Whatever you believe, there is a commonality here. You must find out what you are and what you believe. Some people go their entire lives and never figure themselves out. This is not the right answer. You cannot be happy unless you make happiness for yourself. If your happiness effects others negatively, maybe you need to ask yourself whether what you believe is right or wrong. But in the grand scheme, what will come to pass will pass. And we will all get what we deserve. It is all one endless circle. There are few truly right answers. But the only way we even begin to find those answers are to begin asking the questions. And the only place we can start doing that is inside of ourselves.

Those are my thoughts for today.