A Few Little Revelations

My apologies, to all those who do read these posts. For some time, I have posted nothing of consequence and have even neglected my Zen Master Teachings... something in my mind which is inexcusable. However, there has been good reason.

Now, this shall be a very personal post. Why, you ask? Those of you who know me know how I am with my walls. There is very little that anyone is allowed to see. I have always had some small measure of pride in the fact that no one can get into my head. In fact, I know there will be several among my friends who may be shocked and perhaps amazed that I would post something like this. However, this will not simply be the rambling of some tortured soul. This is meant to teach, using my experience as a guide.

I recently realized that, due to some past events (ones I will not explain, for they are my own), my walls no longer kept others out. They only kept me locked in. To be a prisoner in one's mind is something I wish no one who reads this to go through. The very walls are of your own construction, you know their weak points, and because of this every time you go to break them down, you inevitably fail.

Now. I have been told that I should let the walls down and let people see what is really on the inside. However, I at first immediately dismissed this. "Let them in? Let them see? Preposterous. I retain my strength only through my mystery. No one knows what goes on up here."

Then, after some thought, I realized something.

I have always wished to help others in this life, to be strong where others are weak. But am I not a hypocrite for keeping myself locked away in the dungeon of my cranium? I tell so many people to talk about their issues. But when it comes to myself, I make excuses and exceptions. Why? Because I am afraid.

For a very long time, I have been deathly afraid that the walls I keep around my mind and soul will come crashing down. I have striven to be the absolute best in all that I can do, or as best as I possibly can be. Yet... this has only been while people are looking. It has all been a scandalous lie. Now, to be fair, I always strive to be the best. But the fact is, complacency is my worst flaw. When others are not looking, I slack and that is unacceptable. When one looks into the mirror and sees the mask he has created for others, and he cannot rid himself of it, one becomes quite horrified. One becomes so afraid of what he has done, he tries to overcorrect the mistake. And that is when it all comes crumbling down. And this is the essential point of this essay. Sometimes, readers, we must break. And I broke. I took the Enterprise to Warp 19, rode the horse till he bled and died, plunged into the fire with no protection. I tried to push the walls up to where they blocked out the sun... and they did. And that is when I came to understand things much better.

We cannot live in the shadows all of the time. Sometimes, the ugly pimples and bruises we have on our souls are thrust under harsh fluorescent lights, whether or not we like it. We have to come to terms with what we are. If we lie to ourselves and live in illusions, we are unfair not only to ourselves but to the others around us. And when we try to live for something we know to be a falsehood, build up an image that we know to be more than what is actually there, eventually the cloak gets torn away.

This, then, is what I leave you with. Readers, if nothing else in life, know yourself. Find out who you are, inside and out. All other pursuits are meaningless and secondary. For everyone who is going through college and getting an education for a vocation they believe they want, take a second look. Step outside of yourself and ask yourself "What is it that I really want? Who is this person that I am? Where am I going in this world? Is it the right track?" If you think you have all the answers to those questions, I am telling you that you are most probably wrong.

I suffered a heartache some time ago. And this threw me into so many catastrophes, I cannot count the number of dark days I had because of it. When one's future dies abruptly, one does not recover quickly. I am still recovering because of it. Luckily, I had my contingencies in place. However, this is what I urge all of you. Consider yourselves objectively. As well as we can put things into motion, just as easily can they be stripped from our hands. We never know what life will bring from one moment to the next. We can only react to situations as best as possible. The only way to do this is to know yourself. Know how you will react, what you will do. For so many, it seems to be an unconscious act. THey do not think about what they do in any given situation. I urge you not to be one of those. Strive to gain knowledge of what you believe and who you are. Why do you think people experience mid-life crises? They didn't think about these things beforehand. It is only when true catastrophe hits when we realize what we are is not what we thought we were. Take down the mask you keep for others and let someone in. Be vulnerable. It is the only way we truly test our limits.

Now, a few words of caution. It will not be pleasant. The world of emotion is a dangerous place, and when untempered by reason can prove to be fatal. However, a region made up of only logic is a desolate land. We are human beings. We feel. We must act as though we do. Find a moderation, a balance. When I do I will let you know haha, but my point is this....

Life is what we make it. We take for granted so much in this world, and I don't think many people realize it can all end in an instant. If we live life just for the pleasures of the world, we never really live at all. Strive to find meaning, purpose and direction. And, first and foremost, strive to find yourselves. It is a journey, but one that will prove to be beneficial in the end.